I keep a list of things to write about on this blog in the Drafts app. “Teaching” from home for the last month due to COVID-19 has provided me the opportunity to move through that list faster than I would under “normal” circumstances. I recently put today’s idea on my list as it has been something on my mind for several weeks.

One of the things I’ve been doing for the past 5 weeks (I did not go last week) is making a weekly grocery run for my wife and I. It’s easier for me as my “teach” from home schedule allows me pockets of time that my wife (who is also working from home) just does not have. Also...she has a pre-existing condition that makes it a bit more problematic for her to be out in public during our state’s shelter-in-place order. And...at the end of the day...I love grocery shopping. I feel like I’m accomplishing something for the two of us whenever I go. I use the AnyList app to organize what we need and “cross out” items on my list, from my Apple Watch while shopping. I know...I’m a nerd! I’m not writing this post to reveal my nerdom as much as I am to think more about the anxiety these trips to the grocery store have caused me recently.

The first time I went the store was open when I arrived. I walked in, cleaned off my cart with a wipe and proceeded to shop. I got most of the items on my list but there were things the store just didn’t have. That’s ok...my mantra during all of this has been, “Take what the store gives you.” My anxiety levels were not high at all on that visit. The second time I went the store wasn’t open yet. I did however see another customer standing at the door waiting to go in as I pulled into the parking lot.

SIDE NOTE: I had called the parent of a former student, who works at the store I shop at, the night before to see if she knew whether or not they would have some of the items I did not get the last time I was there. She said yes but that I should consider getting to the store early as they were cleaning and stocking the shelves as fast as they could to keep up with demand.

I am so grateful to the brave people that are working in these stores during this time! The store wasn’t going to open for another 20 minutes so overachiever me decided to get out of my car and join that customer “in line.” This was before we were being told to stand at least 6 feet away from each other wearing some sort of (recommended by the CDC) cloth mask. I wasn’t on top of this person nor was I wearing a mask but in hindsight...I was probably a little too close and a little too chatty. I texted my former student’s mom to let her know I was there. It was at this point that my anxiety started to “grow.” Was I going to be able to get all of the things on my list? How many people were lining up behind me and the first person in line? Should I even care? Do they even care? Are they going to try to get ahead of me and the first person? My former student’s mom and the store manager came to the door, opened it and encouraged all of us to remain calm as we walked in. We did...sort of. I felt my gate (and anxiety) increase a bit as I secured a cart, wiped it down, and headed towards the toilet paper. Yes...the toilet paper. We were told we could get 3 of any of the items in this row including toilet paper, facial tissue, and paper towels. I got 3 of each and proceeded on with my mantra, “Take what the store gives me.” This included substituting some items...which was fine with me. It was actually kind of fun trying to figure out what to (if at all) replace items with. At some point, my anxiety increased even more and, for a few minutes, I started to get things as I thought about them because at that point I wasn’t sure that “this morning” was going to be “the last time” in a long time that I would be able to go to a store and get things for the two of us.

I did get to talk to my former student’s mom for a bit...at a distance...prior to checking out. We usually hug when we see each other...so talking at a distance felt weird. As I was checking out I found out that the paper items I was told I could get 3 of I could actually only get 2 of. No big deal. We had plenty of each at home...I was just trying to stock up...not hoard. My former student’s mom saw me talking to the cashier about this and told me that if I wanted to I could come back into the store, after checking out and packing up the car, to get the items I had to leave behind. She actually put the items behind the manager’s counter. I thanked her for the offer but respectfully declined. I did not want to take items from someone that might need them more than I did. After checking out I got a coffee from the in store Starbucks (because I earned it) and proceeded to my car. After packing the groceries in the back of my car I put the cart away, went back to the car, got in and sanitized my hands right away...the whole time thinking, don’t touch my face. I called my wife on the way home, sipping my triumphant coffee, to report how things went. It felt good to tell her that I’d managed to get most of the items on our list.

That same “flow” has played itself out both the third and fourth time I’ve gone to the store over this 5 week period. There have been a few differences. For starters, I have been the first person in line the last 2 times I’ve gone. The third time I went to the store my anxiety really got a hold of me as I stood there and felt the presence of others forming a line behind me. The longer I stood there the more time I had to think...what were they thinking? Were they judging me for getting out of my car and starting the line? Were they as (if not more) worried that they would not get the things they’d come to the store for?

This week, 2 days ago, (my fourth time going), my anxiety was the lowest it’s been since the first visit to the store. Was that because I felt like we were in a “good place” and this trip was not “urgent?” Was it because there were only 2 people behind me in line as the store opened? Was it because for the first time in 4 weeks I was wearing a cloth mask? Was it because I’m on Spring Break and I knew that when I got home I didn’t have to “teach?”

COVID-19 has turned something I used to look forward to (grocery shopping) and turned it into a “I’m going to get there and start the line, take what the store gives me, and try to keep my anxiety down” zombie march! To round out the week of writing I thought I might try something I’ve never tried before for tomorrow’s post, creating a “found” haiku from some of this week’s earlier writing!